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Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in
Izaya Orihara | 折原臨也's InsaneJournal:
| Sunday, December 12th, 2010 | |
| 7:42 am | Amnesia A lot of things are coming back to me, but in pieces. I'm mainly remembering bad things. Bad things that I did. Ryoji said that if I want to get my memories back, I have to change. From the person that I was before I lost them, that is. I was told that I said I was "taking my rightful place" before I tried to control the world. I guess that's the kind of person I was, and that I have to stop myself from becoming. Does the fact that I'm remembering some things mean that I'm already changing a little bit? Or did whoever did this to me intend for me to remember the bad memories? I don't know if I want to change. I wish I could just forget all of my memories-- the bad ones, too, if I have to forget some to begin with. Ten years is a really long time. |
| Wednesday, October 20th, 2010 | |
| 11:38 pm | Truth Serum Post Ask him anything you want to, and he'll have to tell you the truth. [ extremely displeased. ] |
| Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010 | |
| 11:43 pm | Can a person have two soulmates? (Oh, Shizu-chan...I want to have a family with you. You're such a good dad. I'm in bliss whenever I see that face you look at Daniel with--so sincere, so loving. You'd never think a guy like you could hurt a fly when you look like that. And you say such sweet things to me, too. You make me so happy, I just...I can't believe such a thing can exist for a person like me. What have I done to deserve this? And then...at the same time... Kim-tan. KIM-TAN. I don't know how long I can go without you. I said I was done and I meant it. I meant it... What do I do?) ...[Izaya sighs.] What a big mess. |
| Saturday, August 21st, 2010 | |
| 1:03 pm | Domesticated, ha ha... I still think there's no way Shizu-chan is my soulmate. That's just...well, I guess it doesn't matter. If Machi and Kimblee are any indication, it doesn't necessarily decide anything for you. Still...I guess it makes me a little frustrated. [Izaya yawns. He looks pretty worn out.] Kids are a lot of work. Not that I mind. I guess I'm lucky Ema doesn't need me, too. It'll be a long time before I can feel normal again. I have to say that this isn't bad though. Being so domestic and taking care of a baby with Shizu-chan and Kim-tan... |
| Monday, August 16th, 2010 | |
| 6:53 pm | Okay, ready! Shiiiizu-chaaaaaan~ Let's talk. Just talk, no hitting. I'm too cute for that anyway, right? |
| Saturday, August 14th, 2010 | |
| 9:55 pm | ...or something. I know everyone's mad at me, but please don't be too unkind. I'm pregnant, you know. It'd be like indirect murder or something if you stressed me out enough to lose my baby. Anyway...Kim-tan's thinking about building a house. For him and Machi, maybe. That's interesting, I guess. Just putting it out there in case you hadn't heard. How is Shizu-chan doing? Better? You've got an iron stomach, right? ...Maybe I need to talk to you, Shizu-ch...Shizuo. If you won't clock me the second you see me, that is. (Of course, you don't hit girls. I guess it's okay.) |
| Friday, August 13th, 2010 | |
| 1:05 am | Sadness and sickness. [OOC: And now for a real post!] [Izaya is laying on his bed, looking up at the ceiling. He's unusually pale but for his flushed cheeks. He briefly wonders if he might be sick before telling himself that he probably is just stressing himself out over Kimblee. He tries to stand up, but his knees feel weak and he decides against it, laying back down on the bed. Okay. Maybe he was sick. He did spend a lot of time around Kimblee when he had the flu, and he did kiss him during that time as well. But Kimblee and Machi had gone to Kimblee's home for a week. Did it take that long to get to him? Or was it stress? Or did someone else catch it from Kimble and give it to him afterwards? Ah, well... it didn't really matter. Izaya closed his eyes. He started to feel very hot. A few moments later he realized he was actually shivering. He sighed. It had been a long time since he was sick. Maybe he needed the rest.] ...Kim-tan... |
| 12:44 am | [OOC] "And I Forgive You" -- something short [A/N: Okay, so, I wrote most of this yesterday night and finished it tonight because I was falling asleep while writing it the night before. I figured I'd just post it here and now since it's relevant to the current plot. So...yeah. Enjoy. Izaya-centric Kimblee thoughts and such.] Orihara Izaya was not the kind of man who fell in love. At least this was what he had made sure everyone he came to know was under the impression of. The truth of the matter was that on the rare occassion that he did, he kept the softer feelings inside and showed his passion through fighting and violence. He pulled strings to see things he wanted to see. "Because I love humans," he would explain if you asked about it. Not because he loved any one human in particular. So, by his logic, if it seemed like he was unfairly targeting someone it was probably just because they caught his interest in some way and because he loved to watch humans fight and struggle. In reality, in Izaya's mind, he was obsessing. It was true that he loved humans as a whole. But it was also true that some struck him more than others, that some probably had more control over him than he did over them without even realizing it. Of course, he would never show this weakness. It was out of character and it would make him vulnerable. The people he held the most control over were the people he felt the closest to. And they didn't even realize the pull they had on him. Someone in that position might chalk it up to hate or even jealousy, but it rarely occurred to them that Izaya did these things in the sickest of love games. It occurred to Solf J. Kimblee though. Just as he could control Izaya's emotions, Izaya could control his. They were like a fuse of dynamite and match together, just waiting for disaster to strike. But to Izaya, it felt so wonderful. He loved it -- he could go through the cycle forever and never get bored. First, Izaya set something in motion, did something unsavory to someone Kimblee was fond of. Then, there was the inevitable confrontation. It was always intense and violent. The excitement ran through his veins like wild fire. Last but not least was the kissing and making up. Izaya would cry and say some sweet things and they would make love, soft and slow. And then it would happen all over again not much later. It was perfect. It was everything Izaya wanted in a relationship -- drama, violence, patience, forgiveness. And he thought it would never end. It was too satisfying to end after all. But there it was -- "I got married." Izaya huffed softly. He couldn't believe these words had come from Kimblee's mouth. He could barely understand their meaning. They meant that the game was over. They meant that he had to move on. But he was never expecting that from Kimblee. Kimblee was emotionally invested in him, wasn't he? He couldn't give him up, right? He had control over him. ...So, the truth was probably the opposite. Kimblee controlled Izaya. Not on purpose. But through his feelings for Kimblee, Izaya was a prisoner. Izaya had hid his true feelings from the general public for so long. Now, with dozens of eyes upon him, his eyes welled up with tears and overflowed. He broke down and cried and cried and cried. Everyone had doubted him as he intended. Everyone had wondered about his sincerity -- "You don't love Kimblee. You just love humans." That's what he had wanted them to think. But when they saw those tears, everyone in the room knew the truth. Izaya was in love with Kimblee. "Why?" He could only cry and ask this again and again. He had nothing to say. He felt only shame and sadness. His anger, his resentment, his jealousy and his want for violence melted away. Sasarai handed him a handkerchief wordlessly -- like everyone else, he stared in awe as Izaya cried with such a genuinely sad look in his eyes. All Izaya could feel was everything he had wanted to hide. All he could feel was his weakness, his true self, and his soul bared for all to see and use against him. Kimblee simply held him, saying nothing that wasn't merely a pacification. "Don't cry," he repeated a few times throughtout the course of the ordeal. But all Izaya felt he could do was cry and he couldn't stop. Shizuo spoke up at last and tried to make light of things and help Izaya feel better. It didn't work. Izaya only dismissed his words. He wasn't sure how it had happened but his feelings for Heiwajima Shizuo decreased tenfold upon meeting Solf J. Kimblee. He could only guess that it had something to do with the decrease in fights and large flying objects brought upon him by Shizuo. He had always liked that, liked the danger. Kimblee could give Izaya that danger and more. He had everything Izaya wanted. If only Shizu-chan could give him both that rush of danger and that rush of lovestruck bliss that Kimblee could. If only Shizu-chan could make him feel the way Kimblee had. How could he though? He wasn't Kimblee. There was no one like him but the man himself. Izaya wanted him just like that, all to himself, without interference. (He couldn't have that.) "Izapon," Kimblee said. Izaya looked up with teary eyes, his heart skipping a beat at that nickname. It was their nickname, chosen for him by Kimblee, to be called only by Kimblee. "Can we stay friends?" He held his left hand out for Izaya to shake after a brief hesitation -- left doesn't feel quite right but there aren't enough fingers on the right. Izaya stared at his hand as it reached out to him in midair. He felt like he couldn't bear to take it, to agree to that proposal. But he forced it -- swallowed hard and shook Kimblee's hand in his own, tears rolling down his cheeks in a torrential downpour. His stomach hurt as he spoke. "Yeah. And I forgive you." |
| Wednesday, August 4th, 2010 | |
| 5:11 pm | Hurt. Ngh...I don't want any more pain killers, Hojo. It makes me too out of it. I hate not feeling in control. [Kimblee...Kimblee got so close, but he didn't kill me. He won't kill me.] Kim-tan, I meant what I said. All of it. But it was nice...being carried back by Shizu-chan like that. Nice to see him worried about me. And Namie-san too. What are they going to do to me now? |
| Monday, July 26th, 2010 | |
| 10:54 pm | Late night call. [Izaya is sitting outside on the porch. It's pretty late, so no one else is out there. He finds Namie in his contacts on his phone and presses call.] Namie? |
| Thursday, July 22nd, 2010 | |
| 12:28 am | I made a mistake. [Worst possible situation? Almost. I'm sure it could always be worse. But not much. In the end, it's technically Kimblee's fault. But I can't be mad at him. It's that little blond jailbait that pisses me off. And to top it all off, Ema...my child... What am I going to do? Instinct tells me I should just give it up and run away. Run away from this place and never look back. That's what I always do after all. But I don't know why I'm hesitating. I'm hesitating to run away, and I'm hesitating to retaliate. It's not like me. I know what I can do -- I can wipe him out without laying a finger on him if I so please. All it would take is some goading. He walked right into it before, and if Kimblee and Daryan hadn't caught wind of it early enough, he'd already be toast. It wouldn't be too hard to push him to that point again. He's a smart kid, but he's also weak. He's gone through a lot in his life. He'd been at his breaking point for a long time and I pushed him over the edge. He's been able to recover somewhat, but that was a staggering blow. It wouldn't take as much this time. So, if I know this much why don't I just do it? It's not going to fix the things people have learned about me, but it would take care of him and all chances of him causing me problems in the future. It would be my revenge, even. ... Is is that Kimblee cares about him? Is that why I'm hesitating? That's bogus. It's never stopped me before. In fact, that was the very reason I hurt him before. Because Kimblee cares about him. Maybe Kimblee was right...maybe Lon has been a "good influence" on me. I don't know if I like it. I can't gain my control back this way. At this rate, everyone will know all my innermost thoughts. Nothing is safe to say out loud. There's no one I can trust. Not even Kimblee. Who knows who might be listening? Who knows what he might say if pushed too far? That's all there is to it. If I can't take him out, if I can't run away, then I have to stop this before it destroys me. Before it destroys the image I have created of myself. No more sharing feelings, no more sweet nothings, no more talking to Lon about personal things. I'm done.] ...... [There's nothing I can say to these people. I just have to let their judgments come. That's all I can do.] |
| Sunday, July 18th, 2010 | |
| 1:02 am | I will always forgive you...because I love you. [For lack of a better word, last night with Kimblee was nothing short of heavenly. I feel like such a moron, acting this way...but it was nice. Maybe this was what I wanted all along. To be kissed like that. It's something I never thought I could have. I feel oddly satisfied. There's no need to find new drama to entertain myself with. I feel satisfied with things the way they are -- even if I would have called this "boring" just two days ago.] Oh, yeah, by the way. My powers were revoked or something. I can't control this world anymore. I don't know the reason, but that's how it is. |
| Thursday, July 15th, 2010 | |
| 11:09 pm | Planning my next move. [It's not really my style to be so quiet, but I guess I'll have to keep any future plans to myself for now since Ryoji is on my case. As he always says: he can't read thoughts. I had been thinking about giving the crazy a rest and giving people some time to think I had either changed or at the very least, stopped wanting to get to Kimblee. If I could make Ryoji leave me alone and if I could get some of the others -- especially Kimblee -- to trust me, it would be ideal. Of course, after what I did to Machi, that might not be possible. But I have to get to him somehow. I have to push him over the edge -- if it's the last thing I do in this god-forsaken place. There's no way I'll accept failure after all I've done. I don't like to waste my time and I'm going to make sure what I did so far wasn't a waste. So, if I can't gain back their trust, I'll have to push his buttons by doing something else disgusting. The next victim will be Ema Skye -- and with what I recently discovered how to do, this will be easy. Heh. What a joke this all was. I wanted to have power over Kimblee, for him to do what I told him to. If he won't do it, it's fine. I can create minions for myself, and if I wanted to, I could give Lon his body back even. The only reason I'd have to do something that nice would be to avoid him using MY body *shudder* ...but I don't want my secret to come out just yet. I'll create myself some servants and with their help, I'll be able to get what I want this time for sure. What I did to Machi was on a whim. I hadn't planned a thing. This will be different. Get ready to cry for me, Solf Kimblee. I can't wait to see you on your knees.] ... [Izaya snickers quietly to himself. He turns to Ryoji.] Oh, Thanatos. You mind giving me a heads up next time you want Lon to possess my body? That was quite an inconvenience. Also, do you mind making me breakfast? |
| Saturday, July 10th, 2010 | |
| 1:12 pm | Livin' on the edge. [I sure had fun talking to Kimblee yesterday. Listening to him theorize about the world and what he would do -- god, that was exciting. And when he looks at me so closely with those eyes of his! Hnnngh, it sends chills down my spine! Too bad Roy and Machi had to come interrupt. Oh, well. Better to take these things slow, of course. Wouldn't want to come on too strong, after all. Then again, coming on strong is usually what I do. And Kimblee didn't seem to mind much either. He's so boring when he's all lovey-dovey with either of those, too, or when he's acting so...weird and gentle. But when he gets that look -- that icy gleam to his eyes -- GOD! I love that look! Too bad I couldn't make him hate me. All the more chances to get that kind of look from him. Eh, well. I guess it's okay the way it worked out, too. I hope this goes on for a long, long time.] Heh heh heh...Ha ha ha ha! |
| Tuesday, July 6th, 2010 | |
| 12:08 am | Tonight I'll be clarifying for you. He~llo ✩ Kanra-chan's here! ヾ（＾▽＾） Oh...ahem...I mean... I heard that Edgeworth decided on who he wants to be his baby mama. You guys hear about this yet? Hmm, what else? Maybe I should straighten out those awful rumors about the alleged Apollo, Kristoph, Daryan threesome. Everyone tells so many lies and chooses their words so carefully that the truth of the matter becomes mangled. Everyone is just looking out for themselves, I guess~ Kristoph seems to have been planning this for a while. He really took his time buttering Apollo up, and letting him think that he was "opening up" to him, when in reality he was just using it as a ploy to get him under his wing. If Apollo was head-over-heels for Kristoph, then Kristoph could potentially have two things he wanted, right? Apollo and Klavier. And if he sets it up just so, he can have them both without them realizing that he's playing them. Clever, if I do say so myself. And the way he avoided the blame was by bringing Daryan into the situation. Think about it for a second -- why would Kristoph want to help Daryan in any way, or let him in on his scheme? He tried to kill him about a month ago and didn't show any remorse for it. Well, the answer is that he's just setting him up -- no less in a way that helps him! Brilliant, right? Daryan takes the fall for something he arranged and he gets both Apollo and Klavier to himself! As far as what went on in that room goes, I can only hypothesize. It seems clear that Apollo and Daryan had sex and probably that Kristoph came up with the idea. This of course leaves the question, why would Apollo agree to participate in this plan? Well, there's two ways that I could see that panning out: 1.) he didn't agree, 2.) he had some kind of incentive to agree. As for the incentive, I'd guess it would be something Kristoph could provide for him personally. Maybe he was just so intent on pleasing him that he slept with Daryan because Kristoph said he'd enjoy it. The details are unclear. But I'm really betting on situation 1, because I'm almost certain Kristoph set Daryan up for a fall -- something he would be in big trouble for if it got out. Anyway, to most of us here the details don't really matter. What matters is what ultimately happened as a result of all of this. Those two broke up and if the truth comes out, for whatever reason, Daryan will look pretty bad. And meanwhile, Kristoph has everything he planned to get. [dramatic sigh] That was so much to cover. Any questions? Concerns? ...not that your concerns matter to me. I'm more interested in what some of you will do now that the truth is out. And see? Something bad happened and I had nothing to do with it. All I did was let you guys know about all this terrible stuff. Do I win a prize now? |
| Sunday, June 27th, 2010 | |
| 11:03 pm | No, I won't let you have one minute of peace. Ohhhhhh? What's this? I seem to have picked up on a rather nasty rumor! How did that one go again...? Machi! I think you can tell me about it. It has to do with what turned you around. The reason I "knew you wouldn't kill yourself." Care to tell us? |
| Thursday, June 24th, 2010 | |
| 12:01 am | Getting exciting! Is everyone in this place so mean to newcomers or is it just Kimblee? That was a pretty serious punch to the face! Almost as lethal as Shizu-chan's punch. I guess that's why I like you, Kimblee. You're interesting at least. Can you really blame me for wanting to stir up a little action? That's all I did. I opened a door, big deal. It's not like I placed the gun -- or the idea -- in his head. Oh, and as for the rest of you -- you don't need to be so apprehensive towards me, you know. I don't bite. Usually. Ahahaha! Oh, yeah, Sasarai! You seemed especially bothered. Does my presence offend your holy senses? My sincerest apologies. Aaaah, I love this place! What will happen next? |