InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I was hoping you would find me"

Izaya Orihara | 折原臨也 (prophetizaya) wrote,
@ 2010-07-22 00:28:00

Entry tags:

;~;

I made a mistake.
[Worst possible situation? Almost. I'm sure it could always be worse. But not much. In the end, it's technically Kimblee's fault. But I can't be mad at him. It's that little blond jailbait that pisses me off.

And to top it all off, Ema...my child...

What am I going to do? Instinct tells me I should just give it up and run away. Run away from this place and never look back. That's what I always do after all.

But I don't know why I'm hesitating. I'm hesitating to run away, and I'm hesitating to retaliate. It's not like me. I know what I can do -- I can wipe him out without laying a finger on him if I so please. All it would take is some goading. He walked right into it before, and if Kimblee and Daryan hadn't caught wind of it early enough, he'd already be toast.

It wouldn't be too hard to push him to that point again. He's a smart kid, but he's also weak. He's gone through a lot in his life. He'd been at his breaking point for a long time and I pushed him over the edge. He's been able to recover somewhat, but that was a staggering blow. It wouldn't take as much this time.

So, if I know this much why don't I just do it? It's not going to fix the things people have learned about me, but it would take care of him and all chances of him causing me problems in the future. It would be my revenge, even.

...

Is is that Kimblee cares about him? Is that why I'm hesitating? That's bogus. It's never stopped me before. In fact, that was the very reason I hurt him before. Because Kimblee cares about him.

Maybe Kimblee was right...maybe Lon has been a "good influence" on me. I don't know if I like it. I can't gain my control back this way. At this rate, everyone will know all my innermost thoughts. Nothing is safe to say out loud. There's no one I can trust. Not even Kimblee. Who knows who might be listening? Who knows what he might say if pushed too far?

That's all there is to it. If I can't take him out, if I can't run away, then I have to stop this before it destroys me. Before it destroys the image I have created of myself. No more sharing feelings, no more sweet nothings, no more talking to Lon about personal things. I'm done.]

......

[There's nothing I can say to these people. I just have to let their judgments come. That's all I can do.]

(Post a new comment)

	snackooed 2010-07-23 06:08 pm UTC (link)
	[Ema looks like she wants to say something, but is tentative.] ...You okay? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 06:09 pm UTC (link)
	Yeah...I'm fine. Why do you care? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	snackooed 2010-07-23 06:10 pm UTC (link)
	Don't get the wrong idea or anything. I just don't want you hurting anyone. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 06:11 pm UTC (link)
	Hurting anyone? You mean like Machi? I should, shouldn't I? He would deserve it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	snackooed 2010-07-23 06:13 pm UTC (link)
	He probably would, but still...don't do it. Haven't you already hurt him enough as it is? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 06:42 pm UTC (link)
	I don't think I've done nearly enough. [Izaya smirks.] But for your sake, I guess I can leave him alone. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	snackooed 2010-07-23 06:44 pm UTC (link)
	Wha-- huh? Why would you do anything for my sake? I'm boring to you, aren't I? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 06:46 pm UTC (link)
	Yeah, you're pretty boring. [And "for your sake" definitely means for your sake for Kimblee's sake.] But I'm stuck with you now, aren't I? Gotta make the best of it...Mama. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	snackooed 2010-07-23 06:48 pm UTC (link)
	D-Don't call me that, jerk. And it's your fault you're stuck with me in the first place. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 06:52 pm UTC (link)
	Blame Kimblee if you want to blame anyone. He's the reason I did that to you. I figured you'd think I was awful enough that you wouldn't go through with it if that happened to you. Aren't I awful enough? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

snackooed
2010-07-23 06:54 pm UTC (link)

It's not his fault you're a psycho. Anyway, I have standards that I have to keep. Not for you -- for myself. You're disgusting and I hate you, but it's not my baby's fault and I can't punish her for it.

If this is karma's way of punishing me for being stupid enough to hook up with a guy like Kimblee, then I'll take it. If it's just bad luck, I'll take it, too. I can deal.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 06:59 pm UTC (link)
	I guess not. But if he had done what I asked him to do, it wouldn't have happened. ...And why do you assume the baby is a "her?" I don't believe in karma or anything like that...but it might be your fault for associating too closely with creeps, huh? Oh, well. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	snackooed 2010-07-23 07:00 pm UTC (link)
	I didn't want him to do that. He shouldn't listen to you just because you threaten him. It's not his fault. Period. And the reason I said "her" is because I don't want to call my baby "it," okay? Besides, I want a girl. ...You may be right about that. But I can't do anything about it now. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

prophetizaya
2010-07-23 07:05 pm UTC (link)

I guess I can't make you doubt him. You're too kind.

...You want a girl? Hmm. I think I'd rather have a boy. But either is okay. We have a long time to wait anyway. It would be, what, April? When you have the baby.

I've been thinking about it a lot, you know. Like, what I should do. My mother told me that if I ever got a girl pregnant, I would have to marry her. What do you think about that?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	snackooed 2010-07-23 07:06 pm UTC (link)
	It has nothing to do with kindness. Anyone would agree that it's all your fault. ...[Is he asking me if we should get married?] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 07:07 pm UTC (link)
	What? No thoughts? Or are you that repulsed? It's okay if you are. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	snackooed 2010-07-23 07:08 pm UTC (link)
	I'm...just surprised...or something. You wouldn't actually do that, would you? I, I mean...I don't want to marry you, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't seem like something you'd do in the first place. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 07:09 pm UTC (link)
	No, probably not. I was just curious to know what you'd think. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	snackooed 2010-07-23 07:11 pm UTC (link)
	Don't mess with me like that; it's mean. Don't say that kind of thing unless you really mean it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 07:13 pm UTC (link)
	My bad, my bad. I guess I just felt like teasing someone since everyone is teasing me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	snackooed 2010-07-23 07:13 pm UTC (link)
	I don't really see why. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 07:15 pm UTC (link)
	Because I said some things that are out of character? And it's funny? [And that thing about Shizu-chan.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	snackooed 2010-07-23 07:17 pm UTC (link)
	So what? Everyone in this place is so...I don't know, dramatic. Well, not everyone, but...a lot of them. Nosy and dramatic. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 07:19 pm UTC (link)
	What else is there to do here really? I can't blame them. [I just blame that Machi for telling them.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	snackooed 2010-07-23 07:21 pm UTC (link)
	Whatever. It's not my problem. I just want to talk to Kimblee really. But I haven't seen him around at all. He must be off venting by blowing things up or something. If he's really serious, then...well, I don't know. I just need to talk to him. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 07:23 pm UTC (link)
	Yeah. He'll be back sooner or later. Don't worry about it too much. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	snackooed 2010-07-23 07:24 pm UTC (link)
	Yeah... (Reply to this) (Parent)

	itipmyhat 2010-07-23 09:33 pm UTC (link)
	...? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 10:39 pm UTC (link)
	Yes? Did you need something, Kimblee? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	itipmyhat 2010-07-23 10:48 pm UTC (link)
	No...well...that depends. Do you want to talk? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 11:04 pm UTC (link)
	About what? You act like something bad happened. You mean the thing with Machi? That was rude of him, huh? But I'm not surprised. And I probably did deserve it... (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	itipmyhat 2010-07-23 11:16 pm UTC (link)
	Err, that. Well, if that's how you feel, than it's fine. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-23 11:28 pm UTC (link)
	I wouldn't worry about it too much. It hurts you more than me, right? Because of Ema? [Ugh. More like I'm not going to show you my weak side again because I'm totally humiliated.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	itipmyhat 2010-07-23 11:36 pm UTC (link)
	Hmm. Maybe. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-07-24 01:08 am UTC (link)
	So, worry about yourself, then. I'm a big boy. (Reply to this) (Parent)