InsaneJournal

[OOC] "And I Forgive You" -- something short
[A/N: Okay, so, I wrote most of this yesterday night and finished it tonight because I was falling asleep while writing it the night before. I figured I'd just post it here and now since it's relevant to the current plot. So...yeah. Enjoy. Izaya-centric Kimblee thoughts and such.]

Orihara Izaya was not the kind of man who fell in love. At least this was what he had made sure everyone he came to know was under the impression of. The truth of the matter was that on the rare occassion that he did, he kept the softer feelings inside and showed his passion through fighting and violence. He pulled strings to see things he wanted to see. "Because I love humans," he would explain if you asked about it. Not because he loved any one human in particular. So, by his logic, if it seemed like he was unfairly targeting someone it was probably just because they caught his interest in some way and because he loved to watch humans fight and struggle.

In reality, in Izaya's mind, he was obsessing. It was true that he loved humans as a whole. But it was also true that some struck him more than others, that some probably had more control over him than he did over them without even realizing it. Of course, he would never show this weakness. It was out of character and it would make him vulnerable. The people he held the most control over were the people he felt the closest to. And they didn't even realize the pull they had on him. Someone in that position might chalk it up to hate or even jealousy, but it rarely occurred to them that Izaya did these things in the sickest of love games.

It occurred to Solf J. Kimblee though. Just as he could control Izaya's emotions, Izaya could control his. They were like a fuse of dynamite and match together, just waiting for disaster to strike. But to Izaya, it felt so wonderful. He loved it -- he could go through the cycle forever and never get bored.

First, Izaya set something in motion, did something unsavory to someone Kimblee was fond of. Then, there was the inevitable confrontation. It was always intense and violent. The excitement ran through his veins like wild fire. Last but not least was the kissing and making up. Izaya would cry and say some sweet things and they would make love, soft and slow. And then it would happen all over again not much later. It was perfect. It was everything Izaya wanted in a relationship -- drama, violence, patience, forgiveness.

And he thought it would never end. It was too satisfying to end after all. But there it was -- "I got married." Izaya huffed softly. He couldn't believe these words had come from Kimblee's mouth. He could barely understand their meaning. They meant that the game was over. They meant that he had to move on. But he was never expecting that from Kimblee. Kimblee was emotionally invested in him, wasn't he? He couldn't give him up, right? He had control over him.

...So, the truth was probably the opposite. Kimblee controlled Izaya. Not on purpose. But through his feelings for Kimblee, Izaya was a prisoner.

Izaya had hid his true feelings from the general public for so long. Now, with dozens of eyes upon him, his eyes welled up with tears and overflowed. He broke down and cried and cried and cried. Everyone had doubted him as he intended. Everyone had wondered about his sincerity -- "You don't love Kimblee. You just love humans." That's what he had wanted them to think. But when they saw those tears, everyone in the room knew the truth. Izaya was in love with Kimblee.

"Why?" He could only cry and ask this again and again. He had nothing to say. He felt only shame and sadness. His anger, his resentment, his jealousy and his want for violence melted away. Sasarai handed him a handkerchief wordlessly -- like everyone else, he stared in awe as Izaya cried with such a genuinely sad look in his eyes. All Izaya could feel was everything he had wanted to hide. All he could feel was his weakness, his true self, and his soul bared for all to see and use against him.

Kimblee simply held him, saying nothing that wasn't merely a pacification. "Don't cry," he repeated a few times throughtout the course of the ordeal. But all Izaya felt he could do was cry and he couldn't stop. Shizuo spoke up at last and tried to make light of things and help Izaya feel better. It didn't work. Izaya only dismissed his words. He wasn't sure how it had happened but his feelings for Heiwajima Shizuo decreased tenfold upon meeting Solf J. Kimblee. He could only guess that it had something to do with the decrease in fights and large flying objects brought upon him by Shizuo. He had always liked that, liked the danger.

Kimblee could give Izaya that danger and more. He had everything Izaya wanted. If only Shizu-chan could give him both that rush of danger and that rush of lovestruck bliss that Kimblee could. If only Shizu-chan could make him feel the way Kimblee had. How could he though? He wasn't Kimblee. There was no one like him but the man himself. Izaya wanted him just like that, all to himself, without interference. (He couldn't have that.)

"Izapon," Kimblee said.

Izaya looked up with teary eyes, his heart skipping a beat at that nickname. It was their nickname, chosen for him by Kimblee, to be called only by Kimblee.

"Can we stay friends?" He held his left hand out for Izaya to shake after a brief hesitation -- left doesn't feel quite right but there aren't enough fingers on the right. Izaya stared at his hand as it reached out to him in midair. He felt like he couldn't bear to take it, to agree to that proposal. But he forced it -- swallowed hard and shook Kimblee's hand in his own, tears rolling down his cheeks in a torrential downpour. His stomach hurt as he spoke.

"Yeah. And I forgive you."