InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Ridiculously romantic"

Izaya Orihara | 折原臨也 (prophetizaya) wrote,
@ 2010-12-12 07:42:00

Entry tags:

decisions, fearful of change, mixed feelings

Amnesia
A lot of things are coming back to me, but in pieces. I'm mainly remembering bad things. Bad things that I did.

Ryoji said that if I want to get my memories back, I have to change. From the person that I was before I lost them, that is. I was told that I said I was "taking my rightful place" before I tried to control the world. I guess that's the kind of person I was, and that I have to stop myself from becoming.

Does the fact that I'm remembering some things mean that I'm already changing a little bit? Or did whoever did this to me intend for me to remember the bad memories?

I don't know if I want to change. I wish I could just forget all of my memories-- the bad ones, too, if I have to forget some to begin with. Ten years is a really long time.

(Post a new comment)

	betweenphotos 2010-12-12 10:12 pm UTC (link)
	Maybe you are changing...and maybe if you don't remember some of the bad memories, you're not likely to change. It's sad to see you like this, Izaya. I hope that you do remember. ...I mean...even if you don't want to remember, if you don't...what about your kids? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-12-13 11:53 am UTC (link)
	Maybe not . . . but they're still unpleasant. If I could remember everything, it wouldn't be as bad. But just remembering the bad things is difficult. They're not missing out on anything, right? Since I was such a bad guy? And it's not like I won't get used to them. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	betweenphotos 2010-12-14 05:30 am UTC (link)
	I definitely hope you get back all of your memories. The good ones- they're important. The most important. If it's only for a little while, it shouldn't be a problem, but- they love you. If you don't remember them it won't be the same. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-12-14 08:42 am UTC (link)
	If they're that important, then why can't I remember them? Those two . . . it doesn't matter if I don't remember them. I'll get to know them again. It just might take some time. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	betweenphotos 2010-12-14 08:48 am UTC (link)
	Well, because that must be your punishment...? Though I hope that will only be temporary...not that my wishes count for anything... hmm... (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-12-14 10:10 am UTC (link)
	They're just memories. I'm thinking about it too much. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	itipmyhat 2010-12-12 10:20 pm UTC (link)
	I want you just the way you are... I still feel so responsible for this... Izaya, I love you. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-12-13 11:56 am UTC (link)
	The way I am . . . ? If I remembered better what happened I could better assure you that it's not your fault. But I still don't think it is. If it was, then you would have been punished as well or in my place. I, I . . . [ don't know about that but maybe it's kind of nice to hear in some ways. ] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	itipmyhat 2010-12-14 05:46 am UTC (link)
	I know you can't tell me...I know you can't really feel the way I feel...or even how you used to feel, but... In any case, please let me continue to take care of you while you work out your problems. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-12-14 08:46 am UTC (link)
	It's - I told you! I don't need anyone to take care of me. I can take care of myself. . . . But I won't keep you from sticking around either. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	itipmyhat 2010-12-14 08:49 am UTC (link)
	...thanks. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	npcjournal2 2010-12-12 10:20 pm UTC (link)
	...Father, I miss you... (Reply to this) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-12-13 11:57 am UTC (link)
	I haven't . . . gone anywhere. Even if I'm not quite the same as you remember. [ and even if I still don't like being called that. ] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	npcjournal2 2010-12-14 05:42 am UTC (link)
	I mean the Father I know... It's like you're his evil twin- like in a story. ...but you don't seem evil. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-12-14 08:47 am UTC (link)
	I'm still the same person. I'm just missing a couple of things. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	npcjournal2 2010-12-14 08:51 am UTC (link)
	Y-yeah. You're still you. Then will you, um, will you tell me a story tonight when Dad tucks me in bed? I already miss the stories you tell. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-12-14 10:12 am UTC (link)
	Ah, yeah. Sure. I can do that. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	thestrongestman 2010-12-12 10:30 pm UTC (link)
	Damn it, Izaya! Do I have to beat the past back into you?! C'mon! [He chokes back a frantic-sounding sob.] Good or bad, I still love you. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	1/2 prophetizaya 2010-12-13 12:10 pm UTC (link)
	If you think that will work, you're more gullible than I thought. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	prophetizaya 2010-12-13 12:11 pm UTC (link)
	[ he bites his lip, looking away. it was still going to take some getting used to, hearing those words from this person. but he wasn't like the person he knew from home, from his memories. ] Anyway, I can't control it that quickly, can I? Since I need to change to remember. So, don't rush me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thestrongestman 2010-12-14 05:44 am UTC (link)
	Th-that's right. I know, but........but........ Just because I know doesn't make it any easier to wait. Damn it, I wish I was more like Kimblee... Suck it up, Shizuo! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-12-14 08:55 am UTC (link)
	You have to stay strong for those kids. Since I don't . . . remember them. Right? S-So. Just wait. It's not like I'm going anywhere. I'll be with you, even if my memories aren't intact. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thestrongestman 2010-12-14 08:57 am UTC (link)
	I will. You're right. I have to. ...You're right about that too. You'll be here. And so will I. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	2/2 thestrongestman 2010-12-14 08:58 am UTC (link)
	That's right! I can do this! I will do this! Hang in there, Azusa, Daniel! You have me to depend on! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-12-14 10:13 am UTC (link)
	That's right. It'll all work out fine. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	ganterrific 2010-12-12 11:38 pm UTC (link)
	Whatever you decide to do, most of us are sure to support you, kiddo. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	prophetizaya 2010-12-13 12:12 pm UTC (link)
	Ah, right. Thanks . . . (Reply to this) (Parent)